Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Paths We Take

I remember one Christmas I received a yellow boom box and the cassette tape of Michael Jackson's Bad. This wasn't my first intro to MJ but it was the first of his music collection that I actually owned. I listened to that tape over and over until it eventually broke. I did this often with tapes and boom boxes.

I am a very repetitive person. When I love something, I really love it--same goes with something that I do not like or even hate. I have always been this way. I become so passionate about something that I tend to overdue it to the point where I break or ruin it. It's not one of my best qualities as you can imagine as an adult this personality trait can cause conflict in 'real life.' All or nothing works for somethings but not everything. Lately I have been seeing a counselor about some issues, past and present, and that's one of the things I am working on, figuring out how to be in the middle and not always on this or that side.
Anyways, back to Michael. I love his music and anytime I had the means to attain a tape, CD or vinyl record growing up, I would. We never had money so often my brother and I had to save our lunch money, two dollars a day, in order to buy things we wanted or to have money for the weekend. After the trauma of breaking my first Bad tape, I purchased another one on sale at Kmart. I used to sing and practice all of his dance moves in my room and swore that one day I would be a bad ass dancer and singer.

It's weird to think about now because I have dedicated my life to education but since I was young, I always thought I was destined to be an entertainer of some sort. In many ways I guess you could say I am pretty entertaining but I always imagined it would be on a more global level not just at parties, bars or on the karaoke stage. Michael Jackson and Madonna were my main inspirations. I wanted to be just like them but better.

Somewhere along the way that dream became lost in the chaos of my childhood and I let it die. I always thought about it here and there but never thought of actually pursuing it. As I stumbled into my hellish teenage years and as my smart ass developed more of a personality, people always told me I should be a comedian or an actress. So I shifted my focus from music to comedy and acting. I always took theatre in school and even performed in some school plays but nothing ever came of it. I wasn't about to move to Hollywood to pursue a career in acting because as much as I hated Las Vegas, Southern California didn't seem any better. I always wonder if I could've 'made' it. Knowing me, I could've made it happen but I guess I didn't believe in myself and I didn't have any encouragement coming from the home front.

Now years and years have passed and I just graduated with my Bachelor's degree and I am about to start the last chapter in the fall: Graduate school. I am proud of myself and I know that I will be a great teacher once I get the hang of it. But sometimes I wonder if I am on the right path.

When I tell people who either haven't seen me in a long time or someone that I am meeting for the the first time that I am a History major and that I am going to be a college teacher, I always get the same surprised and shocked reaction, like it doesn't suit me or something because of how I am. I know it's not meant to be an insult or that they think I am not smart, I think when you know me or just meet me, it's hard to picture me as someone who loves history because most people think it's boring and I am the farthest thing from boring.

I guess my hope is that I can make History entertaining and that instead of being on a stage and having a mic in my hand, the classroom will be stage and a book will be my mic. Who knows if it will work. I just know that I was put on this earth to do something special, I am just not sure what stage I am supposed to be on sometimes but that's what life is all about; trying to figure it all out.

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