A floating airport

As you all know by now, I hate flying. The other day I stumbled across this article about one of the airports in Osaka, the Kansai International Airport.  The American Society of Civil Engineers named it the "Civil Engineering Monument of the Millennium."  It took twenty years of planning, 10,000 workers, 183 million cubic meters of soil and three years to complete. It's the first airport to be constructed on a man made island and is considered to be the most beautiful airports in the world. Beauty comes at a price because it's the most expensive airport to ever be built. It survived the Great Hanshin-Awaji earthquake in 1995 and not a single pane of glass was shattered.

I continued to read on when all of a sudden I realized that this is the airport I flew into! I remember leaving the airport and driving over a bridge (see picture) for a while but didn't think anything of it. This airport is insane. It has a three or four story mall and is just downright massive. I wish I wouldn't have seen this picture though because the idea taking off on an airplane off an island that is on an island is not so comforting. But it is beautiful, especially in person. I'll just have to keep that in mind as we are preparing for take-off  going 500 miles an hour down the 4,000 meter runway. At least I still have some anti-anxiety pills for the flight home. 

I can't pop a wheelie yet but I am working on it.

A wheelchair is more fun than crutches and a tad bit easier. I wouldn't recommend going downhill in one when no one is there to help. You should've seen me barreling down the street today, I was laughing so hard I was crying and almost pissed myself. Sorry that the last few blogs were bitch fest 2009 but I have been feeling pretty down about my situation. I am going to try and make the best out of this frustrating situation. I will say that Japan discriminates against handicapped/disabled people. It's really weird. I get a lot of stares in general but the past two days have been real bad. My Japanese friend said they view disabled people in a negative light because they don't contribute to society so they look down on you for it. For as advanced as Japan is, they are backwards and old-fashion when it comes to some political, cultural and social issues. I guess it's just a different society from what I know. Sometimes I love this place and other times I just don't get it.

A long frustrating vent

I started today with a better attitude but then it all went to hell once I left the dorm. I decided last night that it wasn't going to be that bad getting around on crutches and that I would heal in two weeks instead of one month. It sounded like a great plan and I do believe in mind over matter but it's sometimes easier said than done.  

Spring arrived today and it was one of the most beautiful days I have seen in a long time. I made my way out of the dorm and out to the street and realized I was already sweating, not because it was hot by any means but because it was taking so much energy to get from point A to point B. The bus stop is a five minute walk from my dorm but it took me twenty minutes because I had to stop and rest every few minutes and because a majority of the walk is uphill. Upon arriving to the bus stop I could feel the sweat run down my back and soon realized my shirt was soaked. 

Getting on the bus wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be because the step up was lower to the ground than the buses back home. The transit system in Japan in simply amazing. Their trains and buses are never late and very efficient. However, I do have two complaints. The first is that they don't have a transfer system. In most places when you pay your fare you receive a transfer that usually is good for two hours or so allowing you to catch as many buses in the time alloted. Most of the bus fares are 220 yen, which is about $2.50 American. So you can see how using the transit system could get expensive. The fare on trains is anywhere from 140 yen to 780 yen depending on how far you're going. My second complaint is the way you board and exit the bus. You board from the back and pay when you exit, which is from the front. It makes no sense because if you're all the way in the back when you're coming to your stop and the bus is crowded, you have to make your way through a tight crowd who often doesn't understand your urgency to break through them. It drives me mad. You might be wondering, why don't you just go to the front of the bus right when you board to avoid fighting the crowd later? Well, that's a pretty bright idea but a lot of times when you board a bus it is packed so moving to the front is not easy. Plus, most of the people in front are exiting soon so you would just be in the way. 

So today I knew that I would be able to sit in front no matter what because the seats in front are designated for pregnant, crippled and old people. Once I exited the bus I had to walk a little ways to school. Because of the stupid sidewalks, I almost ate shit three times and was honked at twice because I was taking too long in the crosswalks. Covered in sweat with my ass hanging out of my jeans because my backpack was pulling them down while pulling my shirt up, I screamed, "fucking quit honking at me can't you see I am crippled!" No one batted an eye. 

I don't know if I mentioned this yet but the Japanese students at my school have been on spring break for the last two months. Our first week of school was their exam week so they haven't been on campus.  I was warned that once they came back the school would be very different. When I asked how I was told that it would be really crowded and finding a seat in the student lounge or cafeteria would be next to impossible. I was also told that Japanese students, especially the females, are very passionate about talking to the international students so I should be prepared for them to approach me and be sort of aggressive about being my friend and asking me tons of questions. I haven't really thought about it much till I was approaching school today and was amazed to see hundreds of Japanese students. Today was their orientation and within  two minutes I had two different girls run up to me and ask me if I was OK because my foot looked like it hurt. I told them I was OK and then they gave me a high five and told me we were going to be friends and they would find me next week when they return to school. I was really like, umm OK see ya then.

I know it may take some time to get used to using crutches but after using them for twenty minutes I knew that they weren't going to work for me. For those of you that don't know, I had to have surgery on my hand back in 2004. I fell through a porcelain sink and it severed my nerve and artery on my right hand right mack in the middle of my palm of all places. I had over twenty something stitches and had to have surgery to repair the nerve and artery. My hand has never been the same. The nerve that was severed in the palm is the nerve that connects up through my hand and into my middle and ring fingers. Although they were able to reconnect it I still loss a small piece of it which means that I have never gained full feeling back in those two fingers. It's awkward to do a lot with that hand like write, eat, hold a glass and type but I have managed. I can't really put a lot of pressure on the palm either because when I do it sends sort of shock like feelings up my hand and into my fingers.

So you could see how putting my weight on my hand to hold crutches might be a problem. It just doesn't work. I went to the office and told them I needed a wheelchair that I could roll myself because my hand was unable to support my weight. They made a phone call and told me when I arrived at home that one would be waiting for me. Then she asked me how I was going to get to school. I told her the bus. She then proceeds to tell me that if I planned on taking the bus I have to have someone who will accompany me on the bus both ways. I tell her this is impossible and she tells me that I can't ride the bus unless I do so due to insurance and liability reasons. WTF? That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. So now I have to wheelchair myself too school which I am sure will be really fun. 

I ditched my last class and took the bus home. After exiting the bus I realized how much fun this was going to be because if you go uphill on the way there then that could only mean one thing!!! Downhill on the way home! Woohoo! A school bus had to swerve so they wouldn't hit me coming around the corner. It's been a pleasant day. I have blisters on my palms and a wheelchair awaits me for tomorrow. I really hope the healing time is two weeks and not a month because at this point I feel like throwing myself to the ground and crying. I informed my roommates today that someone else would have to take the lead in evacuating the flat in case of another earthquake because I was unable to lead us to safety. Seeing that they all either slept through them or woke up and then went back to sleep, we are screwed. Especially me, what am I going to do, hobble down five flights of stairs?

Mail me drugs, wait never mind you'll go to jail and I'll be deported. Drug laws are strict in Japan.

For as advanced as Japan is with it's technology--cell phone that turns into a robot, stove that boils your water in 30 seconds and cooks your pasta in less than five, a vacuum that sucks up so quickly and effectively yet is so small, a transit system that puts America to shame and about a million other things that make us like we live in a third world country, I am disappointed in the potency of their pain killers. Don't get me wrong, I hate taking pills for any reason. I hate swallowing them and I hate how they make me feel even if they make me feel better. I just hate feeling drugged out in any way. 

So when I get hurt, which seems to be often, the doctors always give me way too many pain killers, which my friends are thankful for later. Being the stubborn gal that I am, I will be curled up in a ball in brutal pain before I finally cave in and pop one of those pills. But on the positive side of it, when you're in pain you most likely would rather be asleep, so these suckers do the job. In Japan however, pain pills only fulfill their duty of relieving your pain (kinda) and do in no way shape or form make you sleepy, incapable of forming a sentence, walking to the bathroom without hitting a wall or put you at risk for driving or operating machinery. Even though I hate taking drugs, I would kill for them now. My pain is so severe that even though I pop one of these weak pills, I can't help but lay here all night tossing and turning wishing that I had the luxury of being unable to keep my eyes open with drool pouring out of my mouth. Oh how I miss the comforts of home.

I'm having a pity party and you're all invited!

I'll provide the entertainment which will include me hobbling around on one leg and me trying to use my crutches, almost tripping myself every few seconds. It's going to be a riot. Please being pain killers that actually work. Please arrive at 7 p.m. call for directions. Woohoo, yahoooo! yessssss! Anyhow, I seem get two responses when people learn of my newest ailment. 1) They ask me if I was drunk. 2) Everyone seems to have the response of either, "only you," "I'm not surprised," "Why do you always hurt yourself?" 

My answer to the first question is yes I was drunk. However, I have rolled my ankle on those stupid ramp like sidewalks a handful of times, sober mind you so being drunk doesn't mean much. Last week when I rolled it I was sure I messed it up but it was OK. I think I put too much strain on it so this time when I walked on the ramp part of the sidewalk my ankle finally gave out. I was really worried this was going to happen so I was consciously making an effort to not walk on the ramps but I kept forgetting and would do it again and almost fall. When I fell the other night I knew right away that it was bad. But I was in denial and thought if I just slept it off I would wake up in the morning and it would magically be all better. 

My response to number is two is yeah of course I am going to get injured while I am in Japan, why wouldn't I? It would be too easy and simple for me to get through four months without getting hit by a car on my bike, falling through a porcelain sink and destroying my hand or having a dude playing pool smash the light fixture above my head with this pool stick only to have glass rain on me cutting my leg and foot. I can't seem to go longer than two months without some stupid injury that usually requires me to visit the ER. I hate this about my life because a lot of it is out of my control. Accidents and trouble seem to love me and no matter how careful I am I still manage to get fucked up. No one is surprised that this happened while I am here but I am. I have been so cautious and careful because I didn't want to deal with something like this while I was away from home. 

This is all this dude on a bikes fault too. I was walking in the middle of the sidewalk avoiding those stupid ramps on the sides, which are for bikes by the way, when this cyclist comes barreling down the middle of the sidewalk. I thought he would for surely veer to the side but he didn't so I had to move and walk on the ramp part to get out of his way and then BAM! I twisted my ankle. I am in pity party mode in case you haven't noticed because this just flat out sucks. I had to put a chair in the shower so that I could actually take a shower. I feel like a 90 year old cripple. You never realize how much you really need your limbs. I used the crutches for a total of 10 minutes yesterday and I could barely pull myself out of bed today because my arms were so sore. 

This is going to be yet another challenge that I must face in Japan. One month out of the two I have left here is some what ruined because of this. I can't do certain things like go walk around Kyoto this weekend to see the cherry blossoms bloom or head to Nagoya to meet up with my friend Jeremy. I just feel that I am going to miss out in a lot because of this. But there's nothing I can do about it I guess but suck it up and roll with it. And I will, I always do. But for today and maybe tomorrow I am just really depressed about it. I have no one to help me and I feel like coming home. 

My time here wouldn't be complete without a hospital visit!

Well, I somehow managed to make my time here even harder.  After a hellish week of midterms I decided to go out and get drunk. I was pretty successful and was making my way towards the bus stop to head home. Some of the sidewalks here are weird and in certain spots they kinda slant up for a second on the sides, if that makes any sense. I have almost fallen a few times and last week I sort of tweaked my ankle but it was fine. So as I am walking last night I fell again and twisted my ankle. I couldn't walk and had to be carried home. Passed out thinking nothing of it but woke up in intense pain to find my ankle really swollen. When I tried to get up I knew something was wrong. I couldn't walk or put any weight on it. I knew I had to pay a visit to my least favorite in the world: the hospital.

We have two resident advisors in my building, a girl named Midori and a dude named Shinji. Midori wasn't here so Shinji had to accompany me to the hospital. I could tell he was nervous because I'm a girl and because he's self-conscious about his english skills. Thank god he was there though because he was able to translate everything for me. He was filling out my paper work and he got kind of nervous and said he was sorry but he needed to know my weight. I don't know my weight or height in kgs so he decided to skip that section. Then he got all nervous again and pointed to the form and said, "uh, umm woman's question. Are you pregnant?" I busted up laughing and he turned all red. No, I am not pregnant. He seemed relieved. I didn't have to wait long to see the doctor. He had to pull up my jeans some and of course I haven't shaved in a week so my legs are all hairy. He says we need an X-ray. Shinji has to leave to attend to some business so a girl who works in the language lab at my school comes to take his place. Her name is Mitasu.

She is very talkative which is nice because Shinji and I barely spoke. So I get an X-ray and it's not broke but I tore a ligament and chipped the bone. My foot was all bent sideways so he had to set it in this a cast type thing and then sent me to the rehabilitation  wing of the hospital  to get crutches. This hospital is very old and is filled with old people who all love to stare at me. This dude in a wheel chair had his mouth open and followed me around as I tried to learn to use the crutches. Crutches are hard to use and very uncomfortable.  I am a clumsy person and crutches and me aren't going to be good friends. I have almost tripped twice trying to walk with them. The visit was $200 plus the $20 I had to spend to take a taxi there and back. 

This couldn't have happened at a worse time. I walk to school, I walk everywhere so what the hell am I going to do? I have no one to help me, I have my flat mates but they have their own shit to worry about. I am so not happy, fuck it I am pissed. I always hurt myself and I am used to it but I really was hoping I could go four months without an injury and/or hospital visit. The worse part is that I will probably be crippled for a month. I am in so much pain too. I got some drugs from the doctor so I am going to take them now and go to drugged out dream land.  One good thing that came out of this is that I made my first Japanese friend. I was at the hospital for hours and her and I chatted it up. I told her I hadn't made any Japanese friends yet and she said she was happy to be the first.

Fact:

I'm a strong person but I have to say that in twenty-nine years, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. Those who know me know that I have seen and done a lot in my short time on this planet but this might take the cake. I'm not asking for a pity party but the last two months have been hard and crazy. Now I have two more to go. It seems to be getting easier and I think by the time I find my way here it will be time to leave. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Japan and will be coming back here numerous times throughout my life. BUT this place is so different. 

Words can't express it, it's something you just have to see for yourself. Being here alone out of my comfort is hard sometimes. Not knowing the language makes it even harder but even the people I've met here who did have a background in Japanese still say it's hard. So far my experience in Japan has changed me and my life in so many ways--all for the better. For as hard as it is I would say it's the best decision I have ever made. I have always lived for a challenge and I don't plan on stopping any time soon. Now, if I could just pass a Japanese language test, quiz, oral midterm...anything!

I can't think of a clever title.

I think I just bombed my oral midterm. I tried my best but it was painful for all involved. Things could be worse I guess.  Anyways, I just found this story online about a man who survived both atomic bombs. Check it out.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090324/ap_on_re_as/as_japan_bomb_victim

...

I would like to write about my awesome yet expensive spring break but in Japan you have your midterms after spring break so I am swamped with studying and tests until the end of the week. I have an oral exam in the Japanese class tomorrow morning and a written one on Thursday as well as a history midterm. I am not looking forward to sitting alone with my teacher and trying to ask and answer questions in Japanese for 7 minutes. It may only be 7 minutes but it will seem like a tortuous eternity I am sure. I also want to write some more on Hiroshima. A midterm question for my Pacific Rivalry class was, knowing what you knew then, if you were a decision maker in 1945 would you have dropped the two atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagaski. At first I was excited about this question and thought it would be easy to answer. It's not. So I might answer another one. Either way I am going to write my answer on here sometime after spring break. Hope you all are well. Oh and a side note, one of my roommates was heading to Tokyo over the spring break on the night bus and was awoken by people screaming at her in Japanese to get off the bus because it had caught fire. Everyone was evacuated but the bus burned to the ground. Luckily, no one was hurt.

In response to a comment left on my blog about Hiroshima

I'm fully aware of the atrocities committed by Japan before and during WWII. They were both aggressors and victims, my blog before was by no means to justify any act of war on any side but to relate my personal experience with someone who lived through one of the many tragedies of war. Take it for what it was. I left out a lot about the history of Japan because I wasn't writing a book I was writing a blog about Hiroshima and I wanted to include so much more but I left a lot out for a reason. There's no point to argue who was right and who was wrong because fact of the matter is both sides made huge mistakes. Japan attacked Pearl Harbor and started a war they couldn't finish and the U.S. dropped  atomic bombs to end a war that seemed to have no end in sight. Japan knew who they were targeting and so did the U.S. so who is right? No one. 

Spring Break!

I checked into it. Be back in week.

Hiroshima Part two

Everyone is so busy chatting that no one notices our speaker slip in through a side door and onto the stage. I see her right away. She is beautiful. She is very petite woman. She has a cute pixie haircut with bright red lips that match her bright red sweater. She has the warmest smile. She has scars. She doesn't speak english well but had her talk translated into english and has it stored in a little binder. We are told she will read the script to us in english. I am a little worried because I want to hear and understand every word she says. Professor Scott finally sees her and yells for everyone to take their seat. He gives her a brief introduction and with the release of a heavy sigh she begins. 

Her name is Matsubara Mieko and on August 6, 1945 she was 12 years old. She was at school and was on recess playing with friends. The weather on that day sealed Hiroshima's fate, sunny and clear not a cloud in the sky. There had been air raids all morning long so when she heard the sound of a B-29 approaching, she thought it was weird that no sirens went off but shrugged it off thinking that if there was cause for concern there would be a warning. As the noise from the plane grew louder she put both of her hands over her eyes to shield the sun to try and get a glimpse of the plane.

At 8:15 a.m. Matsubara's life would never be same. Within seconds her whole world turned black, literally. Can you imagine looking up at the sky and seeing the plane that's about to inflict complete and utter devastation on your city and your life? 

She lost consciousness and when she came to her day had turned to night. Her clothes had melted to her skin, she was bloody, her hands were disfigured, her eyes were burning, skin literally was melting off her body. Sometimes you wouldn't be to make out some of words but her body language and the anguish in her eyes and her voice spoke louder than words. I felt my body tremble. The room was dead silent as she took a drink of water. She then called out for her friends but no one answered. They were dead. All she wanted to do was go home. Her house was far enough away from the blast zone that her family was ok and if she had been at home instead of school that day she would've been fine. But she wasn't at home. She was within kilometers of where the bomb was dropped and it was a miracle that she had survived. She started to make her way towards home where she came to the bridge. It was covered with people calling out for help. 

The river was littered with dead bodies. People were jumping in the river hoping to alleviate the pain from the burns but jumping in the water only made things worse. Then, in the distance she had her name being called. She followed the voice to find one of her friends. She asked, "is my face OK?" She could tell by the look on her friends face that it wasn't. Her eyelids had melted off and she had suffered terrible burns all over her face. She said skin was falling off her arms and off numerous parts of her body. She was in tremendous pain and was at deaths door for 4 days. 

Soon after, the American military arrived but not to provide aid. They were sent to monitor the effects of an atomic bomb on human beings. They were in no way allowed to help any of the victims. They took pictures of people suffering from burns and radiation but provided no aid. Yes, that's right, no aid. The Japanese government is just as guilty because they didn't provide any aid either. People set up their own makeshift aid centers without the proper medical supplies or knowledge about how to treat burns or what to do about being contaminated by radiation. She said people wrapped kimonos on their burns to sooth the pain but this only made things worse because it wasn't sterile and would increase infection. There was no food or water within the city, you had to go into the countryside and so it was 3 days before she was able to drink or eat anything. 

140,000 people were killed and a city was completely ruined. I never knew this but for years after, atomic bomb survivors were severely discriminated against. Because of the way you looked people were afraid of you. People were scared that you were contaminated with radiation and wanted nothing to do with you. Her voice trembled when she talked about how no one would sit next to her on the bus and how no one would giver her a job. She was never able to find anyone who would marry her so she has been single her whole life. She wanted to be something when she grew up and she wanted a family. You could tell how sad this made her. No one man has ever loved her or touched her because of the way she looked. Her scars scared men. She has had a lot of reconstructive surgery but her scars are still visible but I can't imagine what they used to look like. The sound of sniffling noses fills the room and as I look around it seems there is not a dry eye in the house. 

For years she was filled with anger, hate and resentment towards Americans and even her own country. She said when she first met some Americans she was surprised at how kind they were. She then realized that maybe not all Americans were bad because it was the government and military that made the decision to use nuclear weapons not the American people as a whole. She even said that she knows that if Japan had possessed the atomic bomb first they would have used it. In 1988 she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to have her breasts removed. Her doctor is monitoring what might be early stage stomach cancer. She said this is something that many survivors have to deal with--you get recover from one cancer only to discover you have another. She said she gradually found peace by talking about her experience and that she felt it was important to be a survivor and not a victim. But the effects of atomic bomb still haunt many survivors, mentally and physically. The pain never goes away, you just find ways to cope. 

After her talk, Professor Scott said we could ask questions. The room was silent for a good 30 seconds before the first brave soul raised their hand. I was the second. And then there was a third, fourth and so on. Someone asked about forgiveness and she said with anger in her voice that she will never forgive the American's who made the decision to drop the bomb as well as the pilots who carried out the mission. She would never forgive her own government for letting the war escalate to the point that it did and for not providing help to their own people in a time of tragedy. Till this day the government has never offered any compensation. When you're at the museum they have a model of what Hiroshima looked like before and after the bombing. It's astonishing to see the magnitude of destruction. All you think too yourself is why did they do this? Was this really necessary? 

President Truman's justification was that it was the only way to end the war and that it would save a million Americans lives by avoiding a ground invasion. The fact of the matter is in August of 1945 the Japanese had already lost the war, they just hadn't surrendered. Their military was destroyed and they were clearly near defeat but were they near surrender? The emperor was god to people and they weren't going to surrender until he gave the signal. So they were going to fight till the very end and the Americans knew this. What's troubling though is with the military intelligence that they possessed they knew that Japan didn't have a chance so what's the point on dropping nuclear weapons to end a war that is already over? The bombs were dropped because the U.S. didn't want a political settlement, they wanted to end the war on their terms. They wanted to make a statement to the world about their capabilities and being the first to use nuclear weapons would send a clear message. There was an arms race to see who could build them first and I think that if Russia or Japan had beat us to it that history would be quite different. The main problem with the dropping of these weapons is where they were dropped. 

When Japan attacked Pearl Harbor, they started a war they had no chance of winning. What they did 'right' and I am not condoning violence or war but you have to look at it from both sides, they attacked a military target. In times of war those should be your targets. Hiroshima was not a military target. It was a lively city full of people who wondered why their emperor wouldn't surrender. A city full people who would suffer tremendously because their emperor, their god was too prideful to end a war that he started but couldn't finish. Yet at the same time, in my opinion, using those atomic weapons on innocent people was mass murder. Some may call it casualties of war but I think that's just an excuse to justify the actions taken. What I find interesting about atomic bomb survivors is there is just as much resentment towards their own country as there is to America. They feel that the war could've ended a lot sooner if the Japanese military and government would've just said the magical words but they also feel that the Americans were a bit too curious about their new toys and took the first opportunity they had to test their capabilities at the expense of innocent lives. 

Someone asked her what she wants people that couldn't hear her talk to know and she said that life is precious and that it's important to love, respect and understand people around the world. She hopes that no one ever has to experience what she went through and that all she hopes for is world peace. Of course we all want world peace and for an hour while I am in her presence, I really believe that it's possible. But then I look at the state of the world and wonder if peace is just a word, a hope or a dream that has a nice ring to it but will never be possible. Who knows what the future holds and as the old saying goes, anything is possible. We can only hope.

Hiroshima Part 1

In a room that probably seats a hundred, fifty or so students, a professor and some random American tourists anxiously await the arrival of our guest speaker. In class we have been preparing for this trip for weeks with videos, discussions and lectures all about WWII and the road leading up to the United States dropping two atomic weapons on two cities in Japan; Hiroshima and Nagasaki, which by the way neither were military targets. 

Professor Scott gave us a brief background on the speaker telling us that she was twelve when the bomb was dropped and that she has had a lot of reconstructive surgery. On the day of the trip I didn't know what to expect. How do you prepare yourself for something like this? This experience alone has made my trip to Japan worthwhile. 

As a history major, you often can only read about the past secretly wishing that you could invent a time machine so that you can witness history as it happens. You can read a million books, tour museum after museum, stop at every historical marker on the interstate, watch countless documentaries and listen to a million lectures but to have an opportunity like this is rare. I have been to Auschwitz in Poland but I've never listened to a concentration camp survivor speak and I probably never will because there aren't many survivors left so I wanted to take full advantage of this trip because I knew before long there will be no more survivors. The talk was scheduled at 1:00 p.m. and we arrived in Hiroshima a few hours early so we had plenty of time to walk around Hiroshima and tour all of the sites. It was a beautiful,sunny day and Hiroshima was alive with spring just around the corner. Walking around it's almost hard to believe that this city was completely devastated by an atomic bomb. Frankly, it's a beautiful city. I couldn't help but think that even though it was aesthetically pleasing, it was in fact a graveyard. For some reason a building which was a few kilometers from ground zero still stands. It was severely damaged and burnt by the bomb but was not evaporated like the everything else. It stands as a symbol of Hiroshima, conveying to the world the horror of nuclear weapons and appealing for world peace. 

It's weird standing in front of it wondering how the hell it's still standing. It is a world heritage site so they have it blocked off and do what they can to preserve it's structure. Words cannot express what it's like to look at it. It's surreal to think that it survived a nuclear attack. The theme of Hiroshima is peace so everything has the name peace in it, Peace Park, Peace Museum, Pond of Peace, Flame of Peace, Peace Fountain, Peace Gates... I think you get it. I just felt weird walking around on this beautiful day knowing that with each step I took I was treading on sacred soil. It's the same feeling I had while walking around Auschwitz.  I felt like I was being disrespectful 'touring' a place that was built to carry out mass murder. We stood in one of the gas chambers and I just kept looking at the big steel door behind me, which was only being held open by a measly brick. I just kept thinking too myself, if that door closed on me I would have a heart attack. The gas chamber was filled with tourists taking pictures and I felt like I was going to get sick. I couldn't take any pictures and I couldn't finish the tour. I had seen enough and we cut out early. I think it was a little easier with Hiroshima because it's pretty and hard to imagine what it looked like after it was in ruins but with Auschwitz, the town that it lies in, Oswiecim Poland, is a miserable cold dark dreadful town so a concentration in the middle of it kind of made sense. 

There's a beautiful river that runs Hiroshima right through all the peace monuments but knowing what I know about history, that after the bomb was dropped and people's skin was either melting off or burning they jumped in the river hoping to get some relief only to be burned more because the water was toxic. The river was filled with bodies and now there's a dude with a boat that wants to charge you money to take you up and down the river. Umm, no thanks. After a mixed of emotions tour through the atomic bomb tourist area we found ourselves at the Hiroshima Peace Memorial Museum. In the states we have war museums but in Japan they have peace museums, not just in Hiroshima but all over. The museum, as I am sure you could guess, is extremely depressing. Nice introduction when you're about to go listen to a survivor talk about how it felt like they dropped the bomb right on her head. I have been wanting to write about my experience; however, I needed a few days to clear my head so I am going to write about it in two parts. This is the end of part one.

Ain't nothing going to break my stride

I emailed my advisor about my struggles and worries with the language class and this was her response, "Let's see, for the Japanese courses...I would so the best you can, and then we'll address it once you get your transcript and get ready to move everything to your PSU transcript. Don't worry about it. I know that Japanese language is not your thing, you've never taken a course before, so it must be very hard. It is a hard language. Just do the best you can."

So it kind of sounds like she is saying that if I do poorly and god forbid I fail it, there's a chance that it might not even transfer onto my transcript? So it sounds like it might not count against my GPA either. Right? The first thought in my head was the obvious one...peace out! I thought about just not showing up any more BUT it's never been my style to quit something when I am challenged. So I am going to keep on keepin' on and if I still fail at least I tried. This is quote I just stumbled upon in one of my readings for a history class--it's prefect...

"You are not required to complete the task, yet you are not free to withdraw from it.

-Talmud

Earthquake #2

There was another earthquake at 6:30 or so this morning. I was awoken by it kicked my foot up in the air and threw my covers off me in a hurry and was about to bust out of my room like a bat out of hell but then it stopped. I looked it up on-line and it was a 4.1 but it was pretty far away so we barely felt it. It's amazing to me how fast I react to it, I'm up so quick and ready to implement my escape route...meanwhile my roommates don't even blink an eye. I told them not to worry cos if the big ones hits, I will be banging on their doors and will lead us down the five flights of stairs to safety. I'm not a fan of the earth moving beyond anyone's control. I'm sure no one is a fan of earthquakes but I would much rather experience a different natural disaster. I spent yesterday at Hiroshima  and want to write about my experience but I am not ready yet. It was very emotionally draining and I need some time to put my thoughts together. I'll post something about my trip soon.

Crying out love in the center of the world...

is an amazing Japanese film. If you're ever in the foreign film section of your video store rent this movie. It's really sad but inspirational at the same time. I balled my eyes out to the point where my chest was hurting. I head to Hiroshima in the morning to hear an atomic bomb survivor speak. It will be depressing but probably inspirational, powerful and moving. Nice emotionally draining weekend.  Here's a website that reviews the movie perfectly.

http://www.lovehkfilm.com/panasia/crying_out_love.htm

Over it!

Well, after studying allllllll fucking weekend, 6 hours on Monday and 7 hours on Tuesday I still managed to fucking fail my test. Wow. I am so pissed right now. I don't fail, I don't like to fail especially after working my ass off. I don't get F's. So over Japanese right now. Why should I even show up to that class anymore? I left there yesterday feeling ok about it and then I fail it. She stapled a note to my test saying that I need to make more of an effort to improve my grade or I will fail the class, little does she know that I spend allllllll of my time studying for the class. Fuck. 

Week six

Hard to believe that I have already been here for six weeks, eh? I'd say the adjustment period has passed but the culture shock still hasn't worn off, I'm beginning to wonder if it ever will. It's not a bad thing, for the most part but it's still so weird being here. I don't mean to sound like a broken record but this place is so different from everything I have ever known. I'm reminded by that throughout the day and sometimes it's hard to wrap my brain around it. Going to the grocery store is still hard but somewhat entertaining. I cannot read about 85% of what's in there. It's hard to figure out what is what and I am left playing the guessing game, which isn't a fun game when you are trying to be as cheap as possible. I buy something that really doesn't look like it has meat in it only to find out upon returning home that it in fact does. I'm not starving by any means but I don't think my diet is that great here and I would like to take advantage of the healthy diet that most Japanese maintain. 

I'm in the middle of the 5th week of school and I am so exhausted. I have never studied like this before. I have become a great student over the past few years and I do well back home but these language classes are making my brain work in ways I never knew possible. It's good and bad I suppose. I studied 7 hours yesterday and 6 the day before for my speaking class. We had a test today and even after all of the hours I put into preparing for it, I still didn't do that well. I haven't received my score yet but I know that I didn't do well. It's just so frustrating and it's not going to get any easier. I'm used to doing well when I work for something. But I will continue to try my best, it's all I can do. I'm going to see about getting a tutor cos I have tried everything I can think of and it's still not enough. 

This weekend one of my history teachers organized a trip to Hiroshima to hear an atomic bomb survivor tell her story. We're going on Saturday morning. It's a bit of an expensive trip but I feel like because I'm a history major it's important to be able to hear a story like this so that when I am a teacher I will be able to talk about it to my students but most of all I love hearing a historical account from a person that actually lived it. There aren't many survivors left and once their gone we lose our access to living history and their stories will only be available to us in books written by someone else, so this is an amazing opportunity. It's worth the trip. I am sure that it will be so depressing though. She has had a lot of reconstructive surgery and has cancer all over her body from the radiation.  My teacher said that it takes a certain kind of person to talk about how they survived something. Most survivors never speak of it, ever. I understand why survivors of horrific events choose to be silent, I can respect that but I also am thankful and inspired when someone decides to break their silence and share their stories. Living history is amazing. History is amazing. I think most people think history is boring and it's usually because they had some teacher along the way who made it boring. This only motivates me more. I've had some amazing history teachers and I learn from them not only about historical events and thought but also how to be an effective, successful and FUN, yes learning can be fun, teacher. I can't freaking wait. 

I graduate with my Bachelor's of Science in history on June 13th! I have worked my ass off to get that degree so I am really proud of myself. I'll have the summer off but then I get right back to it with graduate school. I'm looking forward to the summer a lot. I graduate and then turn 30 in July. I can't wait for my 30s. I'll never be one of those women who hates get older or who is self-conscious about their age. I welcome getting older because it brings more wisdom and more life experience. I'm like whiskey--I get better with age. I think that's how it should be, our life experiences, good and bad, should make us wiser, stronger and just better people. So bring 30 on, hell bring 50 on. I'm ready. 

The million dollar question.

 There's been a question that's been plaguing me since I first arrived here. It's killing me and if anyone can figure out I will buy you lunch. OK, so we all know what pee smells like cos we do it numerous times a day. Pee is pee, smells like pee looks like pee, it's pee. But since the first time I went pee here and every time after I notice that it smells different. It doesn't smell any worse but just smells different. I haven't adopted a Japanese diet so it can't be the food. I rarely drink alcohol.  Is it the water? I'm serious, what makes it smell different? My pee never smelled different in Mexico, Canada or Europe so why does it in Japan? This might be too much information but I was never one to hold back. Get back to me if you have any ideas. Thanks.

Blog smog

I just wanted to say that I really hate the word blog. I hate the way it feels when it comes out of my mouth. I wish they could've come up with something better. Blog blog blog. Yuk. I hate saying it to people cos it sounds dumb and pretentious in a way. "Oh darling, I was writing on my blog while I was talking to my broker while I was sipping on Zinfandel at the country club..." I hate it!

Random information about Japan.

I keep taking mental notes about things I notice here in every day life as well as stuff I am learning in and outside of class. My plan was to write one big blog about it but I am afraid I might forget as I go so I am going to just write about as I go instead. It might be random but whatever. 

A couple of weeks ago I was walking home from school. It was a particularly cold day but mostly clear with clouds in the far distance. I remember thinking that it was cold enough to snow and even with the sun shining down on me I felt so cold. A few seconds later a gush of wind came through and then a few seconds later it was snowing on me BUT there was not a cloud any where near me. It only lasted for a few seconds but it was so weird to have the sun shining so bright with the sky so clear and to have snow falling on my face. I haven't seen any bugs since I have been here, with the exception of a cluster of nats this one day. Nothing. No flies, spiders, ants, nothing. I know it's winter and all but it doesn't get that cold in the part of Japan that I live in. It's pretty similar to Portland weather with less rain. Where the hell are the bugs? I'm not complaining but I do think it's weird. My friend Kristin would love it here because she hates bugs especially spiders, you should hear her scream when she sees one at home. No matter how big or small the spider is, she is not a happy camper. I hate spiders too and I don't give a shit what scientists say about spiders having no thoughts, they have one thought and it's to kill me and I guess Kristin too. 

I have not seen any pregnant women, none! Japan has the lowest fertility rate in the world. They're going to have a serious popluation problem down the road cos their population is decreasing. Most women in Japan have the choice of either raising a family or having a career-- you usually can't do both. Most women chose the latter. Raising a family is a serious job here and the reason is because they take education really serious. It puts us to shame. Japan has a 98% literacy rate. Schooling is rigorous from a young age and bascially the mothers have to know everything the children learn in school so that they can be the teacher outside of the classroom. Having a career is so demanding as well cos the hours are long and there is a lot that is expected from you. It's so weird not seeing a pregnant lady around every corner like I do in Portland and it's especially nice not seeing a lady breastfeed her baby as I eat a sandwich. Sorry, I know it has to be done but not in a crowded restaurant where everyone is eating, take that shit in the bathroom, outside or in the car. 

Japan is very safe. I feel safer walking down the street here then I do in Portland but if I had to get arrested I would ather be arrested in Portland, make sense? Laws are strict here so that's one of the reasons people don't break them. So jails aren't fun here, I'm sure they are not fun anywhere but especially here. Another reason why Japan has the lowest crime rate in the world is because people do not own guns here. The only people that do are the police, military and members of the Japanese mafia, I'm not kidding. After Japan surrendered in WWII the Americans disarmed the country and its been that way ever since. I think it says something about people in America who argue in favor of gun rights, I' m not sure what the laws should be in the states but there is a reason why we have the highest crime rate in the world. I know America will never disarm but I do wish there was stricter gun laws so psycho-paths can't shoot up schools and what not.

 Smoking in the streets is illegal, seriously I never see anyone do it so I think that's why people smoke up a storm in bars and restaurants. It's also illegal to take on your cell phone while you ride a bike and so is holding an umbrella while you bike. You have to get an attachment that goes on your handle-bars that holds the umbrella in place. I'm sure they're not too strict about the cell phone and umbrella laws but you're supposed to abide regardless.  Culturally, it's considered unacceptable to eat and drink on the streets so you don't really see a lot of people doing it. It's also unacceptable to talk on your cell phone on trains so you're only supposed to text. 

December 7, 1941 Japan attacked Pearl Harbor but in Japan it was December 8, 1941 so it's commemorated on the 8th not the 7th. Japan has apologized for Pearl Harbor but America never apologized for dropping atomic bombs on Hiroshima or Nagasaki, by the way, neither were military targets both targeted civilians. There has never been a sitting president who has ever visited either of the bomb sites and there probably never will be. Japan is the cleanest place I have ever seen. The technology is insane. Cell phones have infra-red technology built in to them and one of the things you can do with your phone is touch your infra-red button next to someone else's and it automatically exchanges each others phone numbers. 

Japan wastes a lot of paper. You have to fill out forms for everything and I receive about 10 handouts in my classes  a day. They love giving you plastic bags for everything! When I buy anything they bombard me with 500 bags for a few things. It's weird. What else can I tell you about? There's a Japanese proverb that says: "if a nail sticks out; hammer it down," so individuality is not embraced here for they are a collective society. Most Japanese people don't do things to stand out, not all but most. I think that's why I get stared at a lot because  I am all about being different and I embrace being an individual. Anyways, enough for now. 

The Meat Guy

If you're bored and have some free time on your hands, go to this website www.themeatguy.jp/

it's amazing. It's not a joke either. Click on any of the icons and read some of the shit they write about their products. My favorite one is the vegetarian one but really there is something funny and off the wall in each section. Like I said, only if you have some spare time. I don't but I made some time for the meat guy because he loves me even though he said I am mentally challenged because I am a vegetarian.